This is for Sophia.

Sophia. I don't want you to stop reading my blog. I am sorry it has taken so long to answer. The truth of the matter is, no, I don't embellish anything. I wish I could say that I did. I am a very high functioning person with BPD and a schizophrenic disorder. I didn't recognize it throughout my life because I didn't trust people in the medical industry. I didn't believe in being labeled. I always considered myself smarter than all of them. I felt superior to all of them. They didn't know as much as I did, that's for damn sure. I had read about bipolar disorder but swore it wasn't me...after all, people who have bipolar disorder can't possibly function normally.

This is your question as well. I understand that. I would ask the same thing of someone...How?

My life has been a trippy one, that's for sure. I have a lot of drama in my life and now, in retrospect, most of it has been self-inflicted. I used to cut myself. I had bulimia. I was a compulsive liar. I was incapable of maintaining a relationship that didn't have drama in it because I had no concept of what normal should be. Many people who have BPD that is untreated lie compulsively. So, I completely understand that you might be questioning my life. I am fine with that and understand it completely. I remember reading other people's blogs and seeing in every other sentence..."I am going to kill myself...this is it! I'm done!" And I recall thinking...how stupid they are. Why would you announce, on your blog...that you are going to kill yourself? Attention seeking whores, I would think.

And then, I realized...people with BPD are attention seeking. We can't help it. We don't mean to be...and we manifest it in different ways. We either have to help someone compulsively (which is the category where I would put "Jane" or Anon Mom in), or we have to hurt people compulsively (including ourselves...which is where I put "Queen" or myself in). The truth of the matter is...we can't help ourselves. There is a feeling of self importance that comes along with BPD. We feel compelled to have something going on in our lives. Boredom doesn't exist in our world. We will throw ourselves into mania or into a depressive state so that boredom doesn't exist in our world. We have to do that. It's a defense mechanism for us. Besides, Sophia...anyone with BPD will tell you...no drama means no love in our lives. Drama usually drums up a friend or two saying "don't worry, I'm here for you". That is what we crave most...the need to be needed...or the need to be wanted.

I know sometimes my stories sound far-fetched. On occasion I go back and read my other blog as well as this one and say, "Holy shit. I cannot believe what I did!" but, I did it. I do stupid things on occasion just to make sure I am still alive. I stopped the issue with my compulsive lying when I met my husband many years ago. I knew that if I didn't start being honest with him...and myself, I would lose this beautiful, wonderful man. He was the only person who not only understood but embraced all the things that were wrong with me. He thought they made me unique...like a beautiful flower who stands out from all others.

The other night, my husband said to me..."You are like an incredible rose, baby. You are so beautiful to look at. You smell beautiful. You are amazing to be around. Everyone wants to hold you, look at you, breathe you in. But, the second someone holds you too tightly, you hurt them...prick them with your thorns."

I thought this was the most exquisite thing anyone has ever said to me.

That alone is the essence of having Bipolar Disorder. Everyone wants to stand near your fire, but no one wants to get close enough for fear of burning themself...or catching your disease...catching the burn. No one wants to feel the burn of a fire...they love to look at one, feel the warmth...but no one else will volunteer themselves to feel the burn.

Sophia, I hope you haven't given up on this board. Please bear in mind that the people who jumped down your throat are people who are going through the same things that I am. Some are suffering. Some are watching their loved ones combust. I know why you asked. You are reaching out to find someone who is like you...someone who has felt your pain. NO one meant you any harm...we just tend to be very protective of one another and your questions was taken the wrong way.

If you don't want to post here again, I understand...but please keep reading. And, if you want to talk privately, write me at certifiablerprincessATyahooDOTCOM (put in normal email format).

I assure you, you will be welcomed back here with open arms...