I haven't posted here in days.

That's because I have been "fine", whatever the hell that means. Then a few days ago, I fell into another one of my deep depressions. What kicked it off?

Anna Nicole Smith.

I was in a fine mood that morning. I went for a CPR class. I had a really bad experience there. We had to do CPR on infants. Normal part of re-certification. I've done this a million times before. For some reason, this time, it upset me. Made me think of when I had to do that for my son so many years ago. Scariest time of my life. I guess that was in my mind. It was also February 8th, the day of my biological fathers birth. He's dead, so perhaps that was in my mind too. My stepfather, (my real father as far as I am concerned) was having surgery on his heart valve that day (which ended up cancelled, but I didn't know that at the time). I imagine that was in my mind as well.

When I got home, I clicked on CNN to read the news, as I always did. Anna Nicole Smith had just been pronounced dead. And I, for some reason, was in hysterics. Absolute hysterics. I cried my eyes out. I had nothing in common with the woman except our boobs...and the fact that both of us had sons that died. For some reason though, I always felt some sort of affection toward this girl. Maybe it was her public struggles. Maybe it was her ever present vulnerability. Maybe it was her bad childhood and her ability to rise above it. Or, perhaps it was because she reminded me of Marilyn Monroe, someone I loved since I was a little girl.

Whatever it was, it was enough to kick me over to the dark side.

I have laid in bed for the past two days with a migraine. I have been crying on and off, non-stop. I was doing so well too. It was an incredible disappointment to me. I took a vacation from my main blog. Today was the first day I have felt well enough to post to this one. I just need to kind of fold into myself and ride out the dark stuff. I do that by putting myself into a "time out" of sorts. I shut the blinds, the lights and just lay in bed. It makes me feel better to just lay still with my misery.

I have been obsessed with watching every single news report, every documentary, reading every news article that has had to do with Anna Nicole. I have not been this obsessed with a story since 9/11. I sat up for 48 hours straight back then, eyes glued to the television. No sleep. I was rocked to the core. Devastated. I slept for a few hours and then, went back to the television. I called in sick to work, I remember doing that at the time.

If I were working right now, I'd probably do the same thing.

I am probably going to dive back into bed as soon as I am done writing this. It's where I feel the most comfort...where I can wallow in my misery and have others mistake it for "needing sleep".

I had a strange dream this morning, around 5am. I was in Las Vegas with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, along with a girl that I went to school with back in Junior High. Don't ask. I am not a fan of these two. I don't find either of them attractive. The girlfriend I was there with...she left the room to go downstairs to gamble. This left me alone with the boys. For some reason, we were playing with strings and strings of Christmas lights. We fell on the floor laughing our asses off. Then, suddenly, the two guys looked at each other and engaged in a really sexy kiss. I sat there, inches away from their faces and just watched. I was completely enthralled. They stopped, looked at me and said, "this has never happened before". I told them I didn't care, that I thought it looked amazing. Then the three of us just laid on the floor, taking turns kissing one another. No sex, no fondling, nothing like that. Just kissing...while wrapped up in Christmas lights. It wasn't sexual. It was just...well, kissing.

I woke up.

I don't know what any of that is supposed to mean. I do know that I watched about 10 minutes of the movie "Good Will Hunting" before falling asleep last night.

"You like apples?"

"Yeah, I like apples. So?"

"I got her number! How ya like dem apples??"

That's all I saw. That little smidge, where Matt Damon high fives Ben Affleck afterward. How I made I conjured up kissing in Vegas after that is beyond me.

Dreams are strange.