I am on this self-discovery trip. I am not liking what I am finding. I don't fit into the round hole of normal. I am a square peg. An oddity. And all this medication is ripping me apart. I have nothing to say. Nowhere to go. No desire. No passion. No spark.

Somewhere along the way, the best part of me has faded into oblivion. Needless to say, I am not happy. I wonder if I ever will be.

Sure, I have become this nice, polite, docile human being who is patient and understanding. I left behind the girl who was outspoken, brash, inappropriate and erratic. I miss her. She feels like a good friend who has suddenly left without a warning. You miss her. You search for her in the eyes of everyone who passes by. You often wonder if she is missing you as much as you are missing her. I highly doubt she is. If we were two separate people, she wouldn't like me. I wouldn't be her cup of tea. Too pleasant. Too pleasing. Too...vulnerable. And, she would find my vulnerability to be ugly and worthy of nothing but ridicule.

I miss her, my darling Mania. I even miss the depressions because they were so deep and passionate. They were expressive. I did my best writing under her watchful eye. I cried, loudly. I moaned in agony. I fought the hardest battles to get out of those trenches and get back to Mania. There was no happy medium.

And now, that I have found medium...it's not making me very happy.

I feel like the woman I was is lost for good. I want to stop my medicine in the worst way and take her back. Yes, she was insufferable. She was omnipotent and overbearing...but she was me.

I hate who I have become.