It's been hard trying to find the right words to match the mood I have been in as of late. I feel that the medications are failing me once again. Then, I have to wonder, am I where I am supposed to be? I mean, I can't go through life feeling nothing. I get sad, bluesy and hesitant to used the word depressed. I have hit an all time low in my life before. I know what depressed is and I don't take it lightly.
I have stopped seeing my therapist. I have decided that I don't like him. Maybe the depression I was going through at the time had me looking at him through different eyes. I should have known that the day he yawned during our conversation, he was not the right fit for me. I am a person that needs to know they are alive and when you yawn while I am speaking, it degrades me as a person. I mean, you get PAID to listen to people and then, suddenly, you are bored with them. Are you so jaded by now that you can't even listen to a human being without considering them a patient?
I think I need to find another therapist, one that I respect a bit more.
However, that means going through the whole "here is my past, here is my present, this is what I want for my future" bullshit. It's really a hassle to change doctors and have the interview process start all over again. But, I don't think this guy was delving into my issues. I think he just listened to me talk, drank his coffee and nodded a lot. There was no revelations. Maybe I was expecting too much of this person. Or, maybe I genuinely bored him.
Did you know that every once in awhile, while blogging, I hit "spell check". I get a quiet and secret thrill when I see the words "no misspellings found". Isn't that stupid? The things that get us excited, huh? The little victories.
I have a huge exam tomorrow in school. I haven't studied. I know it is a quarter of my grade and I find myself disinterested. Don't misunderstand. I want to pass. I do. I just don't feel like studying. I have little motivation for anything right now, hence the reason I feel like my meds aren't doing their job. I started calling in sick for work again...something I haven't done in a LONG time. I haven't colored my hair in over 8 weeks. I haven't done my eyebrows. Haven't been watching what I eat. Haven't done a lot of things I normally do. My house is a mess and it is reflecting what is going on in my head. Clean house, clean mind is true.
The worst thing I have going on right now is my husband being gone again. He had to go back to traveling and it crushes me. Breaks my heart, in fact. It makes me so utterly miserable when he is gone. I don't know if it because we are so close and he being my best friend and all. I don't know if it is because he is the only one who gets me. I don't know if it is because he is the anchor of this ship, keeping everything steady and stable.
Or, possibly, he is the only one that doesn't judge me, even when I fuck up royally. He stands in total neutrality. I need that. He helps me to see clearly. He allows me the times that I fall into bed and can't get out of it. He realizes my situation and makes it okay. When I'm alone, it's not okay anymore. Being alone with me is frightening. I think of terrible things and plague myself with issues I wouldn't dare think of when my husband is around me. He makes me want to be happy, even when I am struggling with the notion. He is my inspiration.
He calls me his Queen. It is so hard to live up to. But for him, I try.
When I try for me, I realize...this girl is so not worth it.
"No misspellings found".
11 comments:
A couple of years ago I was going to a therapist I didn't much care for. He was alright as a human being but his therapy was Christian-based. Not that there's anything wrong with that but I realized it wasn't going to work out when he slipped God into the conversation and I said, "If God loves me so much than why did he let me live with so much pain all these years?"
So I stopped going. Our goals were different.
A month or so ago, I tried a female therapist. On our third visit, she told me that I had too much time on my hands and that I should go volunteer myself for about 20 hours a week at my local hospital.
I was like, "hello, I can't walk 5 feet without pain and I'm having 10 panic attacks a day - and agoraphobic ..."
I stopped seeing her.
Seeing a new therapist is such a pain. They (rightfully so I guess) want you to spill your guts about what got you there. I don't want to freaking talk about the past. I want to leave it behind. I want to figure out today.
But I'm not giving up. Finding the right therapist is like finding five bucks in your winter jacket pocket. So unexpected but always a good thing. Bad analogy, but it was the best I could come up with and keep it clean at 4:40 am.
hey CP,
GOOD GOLLY!!!! I have been away from reading blogs for EVER!
i am trying to get back...i have thought of you, often, even though i have been off---taking care of this leukemia (amidst bipolar)...talk about double whammy!
anyway..just stopping in to say hello!
i wish for you a good day!
jessica/"dancer" (whoever i am re: which blog!) :-)
big hugs to you. That's all I can say. And I hope you find a fab therapist and feel better soon! Doesn't that sound cliche? I am sorry. I can't think of anything else to say...
i take effexor cp, it makes me yawn uncontrollably... just sayin'. i didn't know it was the effexor till i saw this episode of "house" and the yawning was the dead giveaway that someone was on anti-depressants.
yes you are worth it.
i'm so glad you have your man - you're so lucky. not because you don't deserve it - but because a partner like that, who supports you and loves you for who you really are... they don't grow on trees. but if they do grow on trees, i wish someone would tell me where the hell those trees are.
That sounds a lot like me, except that I don't take any meds, don't have a therapist, and I'm married to a jerk.
But I have a feeling this year is going to be slightly better than the rest because I already had a haircut twice, instead of once every 18 months.
Of course you're worth it! :-) You're a very caring, compassionate person!
By coincidence, my fiance has been traveling again, too, and I've been feeling the same way. It's scary, like you said, being alone with me. But...I'm learning that I really am OKAY with being by myself, and it's a good lesson for me to learn.
I just got over what you're going through - not doing my eyebrows, coloring my hair - I'm trying to watch my weight again, but it's hard.
You'll get through it!! And as for a therapist...maybe right now it's more of a chemical imbalance that can't be talked through?
I didn't realize I'd had cruddy therapists until I finally found a good one, then a light went on & it was like, "so this is how therapy works." You're so right about having to start over with a new therapist. It's a pain in the ass.
Don't give up on the meds, I know you're being patient, just hang in there, k? It can take a couple of years (I hate to say it, but it's true) to find the right cocktail, but you will find it. Promise.
U R worth it......dammit!
((hugs)) wish I was closer....I'd drive over.....throw U in the shower...pin U down....do your eyebrows.....get U dressed in sumptin hot....shove U in the car and away we would go to the spa for the day!!
We should all have a partner as dedicated and lovable as yours. Health and love, who could ask for anything more?
You lie. You know there are others who completly understand you. You just dont talk to them because you think it is unhealthy to do so.
My mother-in-law is scared to go to see a doctor about her depression. She went to one years ago and he was more of a doctor feel good than a therapist. She said see wasnt depressed anymore, she wasnt anything. The drugs he had her on made her into a zombie. And she is still affraid the new one might try the same thing. It is hard when you dont trust therapist.
And speel check, whats dat?
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