Okay, first of all?

I am excited beyond belief that Tom Wootton stopped at my blog merely because I asked him to. That made my freaking day. No easy feat.

Second, I appreciate all that everyone has said to me. I don't mean to be cavalier and not thank each person individually. I can't. I'm not capable. I do believe Anonymous/Willow Tree is someone that I know very, very well and is reluctant to accept my diagnoses...because they knew me long before there was one.

I don't use my bipolar as an excuse to get out of things. I don't use it as a crutch to save me from getting in trouble for my behavior. Beyond this blog, I usually don't bring it up. This blog is my outlet, my reality check. I need this to be here. I don't write here for pity parties or to garner attention. This blog is a relatively "best kept secret" and only those that understand this diagnosis were referred back to this blog. It was my intent to make others feel not so alone. I feel alone. Again, I feel no one gets me beyond the three people I mentioned in my last post. One of those three I no longer speak to except for the occasional catch up email. Out of respect for my husband, I try to keep our conversations minimal. He was, after all, an ex boyfriend who was not the cause of my last marriage failing...but played an enormous role in my ending it sooner rather than later. For that, I am thankful. It was a loveless marriage and this person made my marriage tolerable. I had him...and he made me forget the predicament I was in.

I suggest that Anonymous/Willow Tree is that person. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. We've always been very in tune to one another and tend to show up in each others lives when we need it most. In that aspect, we are kindred spirits. We were brought together in dire need and torn apart due to dire circumstance. In many ways, there was no closure, hence the ongoing need to speak to one another once every three months or so.

He doesn't agree with my diagnosis. Never did. He believes that I am just a human being running through a gamut of emotions, just like he is. More likely than not, he would be diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder or some sort of anti-social disorder if a doctor were to ever get hold of him. I sought help. He never would. He doesn't believe in medications. I do. We are both extremists that hurt ourselves and others due to our selfish behaviors. I am not that woman anymore, but I still believe he is that man. He is in a loveless relationship, just as I was. I got better and moved onto one that was healthier for me. He chose to stay with the one person who will tolerate anything he does due to her low self esteem. I was never that woman. I walked away from him when I realized that our passion for one another would never be enough to sustain us. His self esteem is low. Mine is too high for my own good.

What does all of this mean? It means I made correct choices in spite of my illness.

I always knew there was something wrong with me. My risky behaviors. My need to be involved with more than one man at any given time and then, have back ups to spare. I always had to be heard. I had to be right. I fought with everyone about everything and refused to hear anyone elses side. I shut down. It was my way or the highway. I used to do horrific things to myself. I indulged in sexual practices that could have, in retrospect, killed me. And lastly, I was never satisfied. Not physically, not emotionally. Not ever...and I should have been.

My life now is so much different. I have everything I need, want and desire. Materialism has faded from my life. I don't feel compelled to be so cut throat any longer. I don't get off on the miseries of others. And I have love...real love, in my life. It's a healthy, normal relationship. While that might sound boring to my ex boyfriend, to me, it is everything. I have stability. I know what is coming my way and when. Yes, on occasion I do think about my life and when it was so chaotic that I never knew what to expect. And yes, from time to time, I miss that. But it was so unhealthy, so self defeating and harmful.

I yearn to feel the way I used to feel before the medication clouded my thought process. I wish I could write passionately again and really feel things again...but I don't miss it. I just wish to taste it now and then. I talk to my husband about these things and he does his best to spice up my world. Spur of the moment vacations. The occasional shopping splurge. Playing hooky from work. Laying in bed all day long feeling solemn and sorry for myself. And, when needed, an over the top sexual encounter that leaves me feeling satiated. He doesn't like to hurt me...but he will when I ask him to. It's so I can feel again...not just physically, but emotionally as well. It's hard not to worship the man who is a slave to my moods. He is flexible and patient. He is the person I always needed in my life.

I spent most of my life being screamed at by people. Ex husbands. My parents. Teachers. Bosses. I learned, very early on, how to be perpetually on the defensive. People told me "there is something really fucking wrong with you, you know that?" It never bothered me. I didn't care. As far as I was concerned, they were the problem...not me. Now, with some clarity and someone who understands me as my husband does...I see that there really WAS something wrong with me.

I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to rise so far above that that she is just a speck on the map that is my life. I was always admired for being the tough, nasty bitch who wouldn't back down. I want to be admired for my ability to empathize, to see both sides of a situation and be proactive as opposed to reactive.

There are people who will be disappointed by this choice. I understand that. They remember me one way and one way only. Freakish, irreverant, condescending, brutal and malcontented. It's too much energy to expend. I simply can't keep up with that girl any longer, nor will my love of this new found normalcy permit it.

I am a work in progress and I am embracing that.

The ones that don't understand that will all fall away eventually. If that is the case, they never really loved or knew me at all.