What life is worth living without risks?
~Sirius Black from Harry Potter.
this statement will haunt me forever. i am not a big fan of the harry potter series. read the first book, that's all. i saw all the movies, more as a motherly duty to a certain 12 year old, but never gave it much creedence. It just didn't matter to me.
tonight, it mattered.
my favorite character in the movie, sirius black, dies in the end. with his passing went a piece of my heart. i cried in the movie theater, silently, so as not to disturb the wide eyed little boy and the equally taken husband. the tears streamed down my face, so hot, so wet and before the shudders that comes along with crying could take over, i wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
does it matter to me that this is a work of fantasy? not really. i was crying due to loss...loss of so many things in my life. it seems that sirius was merely a catalyst for my crying. i think if someone parked to close to me, id be crying then as well. everything stirs me lately and overcomes me with emotion. how did this happen to me, i wonder. why did it happen to me? there is no room for interpretation as far as i am concerned. i need concrete answers. brain chemistry? a head injury? genetics? none of it makes any sense to me and if it were to make sense then i think i would be in bigger trouble than i already am. i am so determined to fight the conventional and refuse to accept the norm. Being bipolar is completely generic. everyone is doing it lately. it is apparently chic to have some sort of brain disorder or psychiatric ailment.
fuck those people. they should all fuck off and die. seriously.
being bipolar is not fashionable. it is not vogue. it is not something you see while flipping through the fashion channel or the pages of vanity fair. "oh my god! you're bipolar! oh, i am so bipolar too! what medications are you on? oh me? mine is controlled by diet and exercise and sometimes i even go to psychotherapy."
ya fuckin' hoo.
imagine the anxiety level i hit reading the blogs of people who say they are bipolar, but you can simply tell...they are just having a bad day. the level of frustration that i feel makes me want to hack someones blog and say "liar, you're just having a shitty day."
I'm having a shitty life. There is a huge difference.
So, what is life without taking risks? Everytime i write in this blog, its a huge risk. i am putting myself out there to be judged, to be criticized, to have others make fun of my situation or even have good friends challenge my needs. these are the risks i choose to take in my life. letting go of my medication may become another. i am no longer seeing where this medication is doing its job. im sad...all the time. i cry because i lost sirius black in more ways than one. i have the best of everything while having nothing at all. it feels so helpless, so hopeless.
"there are some things worth dying for"
~sirius black to harry potter.
3 comments:
I can so relate to this! Sometimes, things are like that: one seemingly small moment becomes the symbol of everything in life.
And yeah, the fashion trend of mental illness is really disturbing. It waters down the importance and impact mental illnesses have on those who truly suffer from them, for one thing.
I would hate for people to start thinking "Oh. Bipolar is no big deal. Everyone I know is bipolar." Because losing a job or a friend or a family member because they just can't be bothered to understand that, sometimes, you're just not you, is insulting and stupid.
Keep up the good fight!
I am here.
I read.
I care.
CP. I've been a longtime blog reader of yours, and am missing your posts like you wouldn't believe. I know you've been gone because things are bad right now. I can see that you're at the point where you're wondering "what IS the point?". And I know that I can't say anything to make you feel better. But I do want to say that your humor, your honesty, your blunt and oh-so-CP-attitude about life and the crazy things in it has brought so many smiles to my own days when I, too, was in my darkest places. I know that it may not make a difference to how things are going for you right now, but you are a gift, CP. You are. And not just to me, but to so many of your readers. Even when things are shitty, you matter. Even when you're taking risks, you help others, be it through your humble admissions about your BP, your education of others about your symptoms, or through your humorous take on even the most mundane things. I just wanted to say... you are missed, out here in blog land. Please let us know how you're doing, even if it's just one small post to say "I'm here."
*hugs*
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