Manic depressives should not drink. Manic depressives should not drink vodka. Manic depressives should not drink vodka with red bulls.

It screws up the wiring. It wreaks havoc with your medications and throws you into a spin of mania that you have not felt in ages, if you are duly controlled.

I have to admit, I'm on the fucking clouds right now. My head is clear, my thoughts are focused and I am ready to take on the fucking world right now. I haven't had a good bout of mania since...the last one. But this one is really good. Like, snorting coke good. Real nice. Nice and steady with just the right amount of quiver. Rock solid. Having thoughts fly at me a mile a minute and cannot reign them in fast enough.

Why? Why do I take medications that stop this? Why? Why would anyone not want to feel like this every single minute of every single day!?

Why is it bad to want to fuck your husband while simultaneously beating the shit out of him? That's what I feel like right now...one huge powder keg of get me the fuck up on out of here. Wild. The buzzing in my brain is enormous and I am getting a rush through me. My thoughts are coming fast, coming hard...just the way I love them.

Why do I take medicine to stop this? Why?

Why?

Because I know when the mania wears off in a few days...I will be curled up in bed in a fetal position, crying for God to have mercy and just take me already.

I hope I can remember that feeling before I miss another dose of medicine.