And crash.

All fall down. I hit bottom. Hard. Lasted for two full days. Two days of non-stop crying and the want to leave the planet. My husband tells me to hold on, that it will pass. Take it day by day. He doesn't realize how my rapid cycling makes it hard from hour to hour, let alone day by day. I try, I really do, to get out of bed. I haven't. This is actually my first venture out of my bedroom in the past three days. The house is a mess. I haven't showered in days. I just stay under my blankets and wait for the sun to go down. I don't feel human in the daylight. I am a nighttime creature and that is when I feel safest. This crash was hard. Painful even, because I was so manic right before it happened. When you go from steady and "normal" to depressed, the drop isn't so far. When you go there from mania, it is a long, painful drop and nothing to break the fall.

My goal for today is to take a shower by 5:30 pm. I hope I can muster up the strength to do it. Today is my sons birthday and I really need to get my act together.

I made a P-doc appointment for tomorrow. New doc. Hopefully, she will listen and understand what I am going through. She's young, so I don't know how much experience she has with people like me, but she is also young enough not to be jaded and just throw me on any old medication. I hope. I know my cocktail needs to be switched around. I can't find the right ones. I can't manage this on my own, though. I need help...and I hope she is it for me.

It is starting to feel a bit hopeless.