I'm in big trouble.
My addiction has taken me to an all time low. I did the worst thing I think a human being can do to another human being short of taking their life. I don't deserve my life. I have a beautiful husband who I have never betrayed. I have two exceptional children who deserve better than me. I have a grandchild on the way. I have a lot to live for...but right now, I am focusing on my own demise. Not suicide. I never thought much for people who talk about killing themselves. My life is fucking good. It is a good damn life. I have money, cars, comfortable and secure things in my world. What I don't have is honesty. I betrayed myself. I know this is my disease talking and not me. I know that I have to become brave and confess what I have done to the appropriate people, but I can't. I'm a coward right now hiding under a veil of insanity. I know what I did wrong. I know it. No one else does. I could just close my eyes and make it go away, but it won't. It's eating at me like a flesh devouring virus. I am so hurt, disgusted and ashamed of myself. This is the first time I can honestly say I have hit an all time low while in recovery. I was proud of myself for being a high functioning person with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I would shine, despite my handicaps. No one ever knew it was there anymore unless I let them in on it. I have undone all my healing. I have unraveled the work I have done. I am in pain and I deserve it. I wish someone would physically hurt me so I don't feel the pain I am feeling right now. It's grief and anguish I haven't felt in forever. I am still reeling from what I have done.
I don't even know myself anymore. Who the fuck did I just become?
5 comments:
CP. I love you. You know that. Come clean with whomever you need to and then you will feel better. I promise.
oh, CP. :(
I know that nothing I could possibly say could make a difference in what's already been done, but I WILL say that sometimes, when we aren't operating symptom free, we do things that are horrible and awful and that we wish we could take back. Sometimes we can right those things. Sometimes not.
I know right now you feel that the physical pain would make things easier... but remember when you were with Tony? The physical pain that we oftentimes use as self-punishment and think we deserve only serves to distract us for a while. It never solves the problem.
I know you know this. And I know you also know that so many of us out here in blogland (not to mention those that you know in RL) get it, and will support you no matter what.
Because we love you.
Hang in there.
Wow, I haven't been here for a while, but I have thought about you several times. I hope that you do what you know you need to, and that everything turns out okay. I will be thinking of you and light a candle to send healing your way.
CP, you are not your actions. You are the wonderful person who can stand outside of the behavior and recognize when you've gone astray.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm thinking of you and keep checking back to see if you're ok. I hope you're ok.
hug
Post a Comment