It's been a long time since I have posted here. That either means things are good, or things are pretty bad. So far, I am holdling onto the belief that things are better. I am working again and committed to my job so far. The problem is that I am discovering that I am an addict. I can't keep away from my drugs. It's a fucked up thing that is going on with me. I just started smoking. I never smoked in my 40 years of life. Now I crave them all the time. I am abusing my xanax...taking a little more than I should. It's ever since that crack whore broke into my car. It broke me and my belief that most people are inherently good if you get past their outer shell. My husband is scheduled not to work in the next four weeks. I am looking forward to that. I need to be able to work and walk away from him the way he is able to walk away from me when he is working on a contract. I am working over nights...the zombie hours I have become more accustomed to. I am no good during the day so the nights are the great place for me. I get to take my son to school and pick him up afterward. It makes me feel like a better mom...until the drugs. I literally count my pills to make sure I am never going to be out of them. I find myself thinking about them constantly though not abusing them on a daily basis. I have an addictive personality, I know this. It's hard for me to concentrate on anything else.

I am also thinking of the perfect crime.