I am feeling extremely aggressive today.

I have fought with everyone in my house. My son, who wouldn't get out of bed for his doctors appointment. My daughter, who made a pigsty out of my car and borrowed my things without giving them back. My husband, who seems so involved in work that he doesn't even notice I am having a meltdown.

I told him I wanted a separation.

I don't think that I meant it. I am just so furious with him for not recognizing when I am going to that "place" again. And, I was ripping my hair out, literally, enraged. I was screaming profanities even though I knew he was on the phone with his boss. I simply didn't care. I am so sick of feeling so self-absorbed about MY illness. Oh my God, let the sun rise and set on my ass because I am sick. The rest of you peons just DEAL with it.

That was sarcasm. And that's all it's been lately is sarcasm.

My boards are 3 weeks away. I felt very prepared for them once upon a time. Not so much now, because I cant' concentrate on anything for extended periods of time anymore. I feel foggy. Not disoriented, but just foggy. I think it is from the Lamictal, but how the hell can you be sure? Both my psychiatrist and psychologist are out of town this week.

Of course. Right when I feel like bashing my skull into a wall, that's when they leave. See the narcissism? Like these men don't deserve vacations from lunatics like me...how dare they leave and not consider my manic depressive schedule.

I am feeling so much resentment towards my husband right now. When his career was flourishing and he would be out of town for weeks on end, I held the fort down. I took care of everything. There was NOTHING he had to worry about but himself.

I am three weeks away from potential disaster, and I can't get him to stop taking shits long enough to help me around here. I need quiet time. I need to read. I need to have the children disciplined properly when I am studying. When he isn't shitting, he's napping. I'm so over it already. I can't wait to go back to work so I don't have to spend every single waking moment with him anymore. There are some days that he doesn't brush his teeth until noon. It repulses me. But, not the to point that it is just "ew, gross". It repulses me to the point that I want to beat him over the head with a bat. I feel like physically harming him for being so disgusting.

Yeah, that's normal, right?

So, when Dr. C asks me on the 9th, do you feel the Lamictal is working, I will give him a nice, hearty, resounding NO! No, I don't feel like it's working. I am still having the same highs. The same lows. The only thing that is different is now they are less predictable. I used to know when they were coming...like an aura almost. Now, it's hit and miss with me. I never know what the day is bringing until I open my eyes.

Spontaneity, coupled with bipolar disorder is a very bad thing.