What a good day.
Sitting home, doing things I shouldn't be doing when I have other things to be doing. I am just too smart, too powerful, too amazing to have to do anything other than I want to be doing!
Woo to the Hoo!
This is the lull period. The calm. The floating waters that take me to the rapids. In about, oh...say...three days or so, I will be off the wall, banging around with such fervor and velocity that it will rival anything NASA can dream up.
And I love it.
I love the manic phase. I live for it. I can do the most fucked up, outrageous things and say "whoops! thats just my manic phase! Sowwies!"
Ack. What bullshit. When I am keyed up that high, I don't even believe for a second I have BPD. I question my medication. I question the doctors. I question everything, but myself. I am Queen Ruler and Goddess. I am the almighty deity and y'all just suck.
And, it is during this time, when I am floating on calm waters, that I am at my best. I have left the shallow tidepools, and I drift slowly, cautiously, languishing the sun upon my face. I smile at my husband. He kisses my forehead and I delight in it, like a little girl at a carnival. I woke him up this morning, curled up next to him, naked, pressing my breasts into his back. I kissed his neck, stroked his body, purred softly in his ear. I reached down between his legs and I liked the response. After five minutes of this, I was straddled across him and throwing my head back, just to absorb the moonlight.
Goddess. I told you.
In the calm waters, my husband is so in love with me. My children are amazing. Kitty litter doesn't stink. Florida is a beautiful place. I am content to keep the door of my patio open wide, listening to the birds chirp.
I am Cinder-fucking-ella.
In a weeks time, I will be the wicked Queen. I wait for her, in utter despair, because I will be leaving my wonderful waterride. I will be manic. I will be zany, wild, crazy, impulsive; all the things that I love. Then, the waterfall into the rapids below. And I will hit the rocks, knocking myself out, drowning in the shallow water of depression.
Since the Lamictal, these are coming faster and faster, albeit more predictably.
I can sense it better now. I can warn my husband to take the kids and leave.
Mama's ready to explode.
But for now, I am going to enjoy the sweet water. The kind you float with inside an innertube, dipping your toes or fingertips now and then.
The rocks are about a week away. They can wait.
2 comments:
I'm glad I stopped by here. I'm Depressive Bipolar and am on Lamictal too -- it evens out with time. I love the manic phase -- mine are really erratic though even with the meds.
Will the medicine eventually always make you feel like a Goddess?
I sometimes wonder if my MIL is bi-polar. She would never accept that even if she was. She is a very negative person and when you talk of Esther, it reminds me of my MIL. She will have times where she is on top of the world. She will buy new wardrobes. (The woman has every closet in her house filled with clothes.) But she falls into a sea of despair at times also, and nothing can bring her out. It is during these times she laments that no one will love her and that she will never remarry because of this.
People have come up to her (she claims - my husband and I both think she is kind of nuts) and introduced themselves by saying, "Hi, I am bi-polar." She has told us that everyone comes up and says this. We have pondered that maybe she is.
Sorry to ramble. You just are more knowledgeable than I about the subject.
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