Life has been pretty good for the past 2 days, I must admit.

I detached (somewhat) from the places I shouldn't have been.

My friend, Jane, (see her blog on sidebar) sent me this really terrific book called "The Bipolar Advantage" by Tom Wooten. At first, I tossed it to one side. I wasn't in the mood to read someones pompous take on what BPD was all about. Then, I picked it up about a half hour later. I read. I read more. Before I knew it, I was on page 100 out of 195. I couldn't put it down. I identified with every single thing that this man had to say. He isn't a doctor. Not a therapist. He's just a guy who has been through the same things I have...and has found the escape route. I don't know how the book ends, but so far, he has some really great techniques for self actualization. And, the lists. The list of what is bad about bipolar had me bawling hysterically. Then, the list of what is good about it...the "advantage", so to speak.

I identified with all of them. Most certainly the part about never having to study for tests as a child/teen/young adult. I would not show up in class...and still end up with the highest GPA. The teachers couldn't argue with me. I was too much for them to handle. I was a conundrum. How could this kid who never showed up for class (and when she did, spent the whole time writing poetry) possibly have the highest GPA in her grade?

Simple. I have been bipolar since I was a little girl.

It is only now, at age 40, that I realize it has been there all along.

I have been taking the Lamictal as recommended. A friend of mine asked, "why would you want to surpress all the crazy/beautiful things about you". It's a fair question. On the drugs, my creativity subsides. My ability to remember things are diminished. I feel foggy all the time. I know people look at me like I am stoned or something, because my words slur or don't come out right. I stare at things blankly every now and then.

The reality is, 40% of bipolar people end up killing themselves, successfully.

This doesn't even include the people who try and fail.

40%. That number resonates with me, deeply. And I know, in time, I will fall prey to the statistic if I don't get myself under control. I still know how to be the life of the party. I just observe a lot more now. I think less, say less...and that pains me. But, I also don't self destruct as much. I am calmer, more rationale, less prone to hurt someone or myself physically or mentally.

That's reason, right there, to swallow my daily meds...and my pride.