I quit my job today.

No notice. No nothing. Just a phone call saying I was never coming back. Ever.

I don't know how I feel about that. I have never done that before. It's not something I would normally do. I just felt like it. I had a talk with the Director of Nursing there the other day. I told her how bad morale is among the nurses. I told her that I had a lot of concerns with the way the new nurses are bullied by the older ones.

Her answer was..."speak up to them, you have nothing to lose."

I have nothing to lose? My job? My comfort level? My career? The best you can tell me is I have nothing to lose? No consideration with regard to talking with the other nurses? Nothing? No interest in what I am telling you whatsoever?

Gone. I left.

I called her and told her I couldn't deal with the way administration ran things there. I couldn't get past the "you have nothing to lose" statement. It was true...and it was a truth that hit hard.

I'm sitting home now, not quite certain what I did. I was crying every single day that I worked at that place. I hated it so much. Just walking through the doors was a sense of dread. There wasn't one person there with any redeeming qualities. The one nurse I did latch onto was a manic depressive, someone very toxic for me. I can't be around that, having issues of my own. She was a very negative person that all the other nurses hated. Because I became friendly with her, they shunned me.

Ah, look at all the lonely people...

So I am alone now. Not working. Husband in Chicago. I no longer have a therapist. I have no one to talk to about my ambivalence and my flat affect. My son is here. I am trying to put on the brave face for my 11 year old. He saw right through me.

"What's wrong, Mommy?"

"Nothing, baby. Nothing is wrong."

"Give me a huggy," he says.

I do, and for a moment...the world goes away. When I release him, it all comes flooding back. The uncertainty, the confusion and the withdrawal. I have been going on job interviews, but I can't muster up the flair and excitement that employers look for. My face is a mirror of what is going on inside of me. I am obviously disinterested. I pinned my hopes on this one particular job but haven't heard back. I am so used to getting everything I want...men, things, jobs, etc. that it never occured to me that someone wouldn't want me.

I am the walrus.

I feel displaced. I am living outside of my comfort zone. I have the name of a psychiatrist on my desk but I am refusing to call; I am on sabbatical. I have opted to walk away from myself. I have turned my back on myself. I am not willing to support myself and be a player on my own team.

What did I do?

Normally, I feel very assured with the things I do. I feel confident that I am making the right decisions. Now, not so much. Don't misunderstand. I am grateful that I think enough of myself to remove myself from a very sick situation. I care that much. I care enough to stay away from the things that aren't healthy for me right now. But I am depressed. I am crying. I am hurting because I feel as though I fouled things up for my family. I made my husband responsible, solely, for the care of this house and this family. I do it all the time. I have become so dependant on him that I no longer care about the status of my family. My kids don't call me. They call him...because he is the dependable one. He is the rock, the foundation. Me? I am the shingles on the roof that aren't well adhered. They blow away when the winds are too strong.

One day, he will become exhausted by me.

You're asking me if my love will grow.
I don't know, I don't know.
You stick around and it may show.
I don't know, I don't know.

One day, he will grow weary of the way I fall to earth and bury myself in the ground all of the time. He will grow tired of the rollercoaster ride that is me. He will burn out trying to save me from myself. I am exhausting. I know this. I make myself tired. I wear myself out. I think too much and then, sometimes, not at all. I do things so spontaneously one moment and then, so carefully planned out the next. The moods. They come and go like lovers. One day I am exhilerated, full of hope. The next, I plummet into the mud of my own despair. The ride is too hard for me to deal with. If it were steady...two days of happiness followed by one day of depression, or vice versa, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. But my moods...my moods change with the direction of the wind. I was so happy to tell my job goodbye and good riddance.

And then, I cried. Dear God, what the hell have I done. Again.

Endless carousel. The horses go up and down. The horses go up and down.

And the music never ends...

We were talking-about the space between us all
And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away.
We were talking-about the love we all could share-when we find it
To try our best to hold it there-with our love
With our love-we could save the world-if they only knew.
Try to realise it's all within yourself
No-one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows ON within you and without you.
We were talking-about the love that's gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul-
They don't know-they can't see-are you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself-then you may find, peace of mind,
Is waiting there-And the time will come when you see
we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you.

~Within you, without you
The Beatles.