sometimes, i realize that being alone is a good place to be. this is going to be a long post...i can tell. i lit candles. i took some pain pills. i darkened the entire house and put on my favorite beatles cd. yep. its going to be a long one. sometimes, i need to be alone with myself to have these long talks with me. this blog is such a good outlet for me because i always, inevitably, go back and read what i have written. sometimes it enlightens me. sometimes it makes me feel despondent and brings the realization that i will never get well...whatever that means.

hey jude, don't make it bad.
take a sad song and make it better.

my son left to be with his father. i am going to miami tomorrow once my husband gets home from chicago. i have to admit, im not happy about this little outing. i want to be alone. alone with my husband curled up in a ball on his lap. i also haver reservations about going to start with. bad thing? my in laws will be joining us. i like my brother in law. i can put up with my sister in law. i am very uncomfortable around my father in law. i love love love my nephew, my sister in laws little boy. i hate her boyfriend. hate him with an unbridled passion i usually reserve for people i give a shit about.

i called my old job. i feel better and worse for having done so. i apologized to heather, because she didn't deserve for me to run out on her for no reason. it wasn't an obligatory call. it was a hard one for me to make, but i felt it was necessary. i dont like to o the wrong things anymore. i feel it weighs heavily on my chances for making it into heaven. not something i cared about a long time ago.

it seems i didn't care about a lot of things a long time ago.

jesus christ, i was such a liar and cheat back then. i had no conscience at all back then. i dont know if it was the stupidity of being younger or if it was related to the bipolar that i didn't realize existed. i think it was the latter, predominantly. i hurt so many people in my life. so many. i played head games with so many people. thinking about it now, it makes me hate myself so much.

"boy, you're gonna carry that weight
carry that weight a long time..."

i was mean. so deliberately hurtful to people who were convinced that i loved them with all my heart. i didn't own a heart. i had a rental property where my heart should have been. my emotions, they were all dominated by this need to be better than everyone else. so smug, i was. so full of myself. such a big difference between self love and self loathing that i couldnt find that fine line for the life of me. i recall being vindictive my entire life. i turn 41 on august 30th. when i decide to look back, look within...i hate that person...and i am not too fond of this one either. basically, i have spent my life being what i loathe the most and doing little to correct it until recently.

the pills are kicking in and i feel so good. i love being high from them, because everything fades. it dulls the pain of living. it makes me never want to consider dying.

i have been thinking a lot about my friend Norman who passed away three years ago. he died of aids related complications...cancer and pneumonia. i never knew someone who wanted to live so much, so when i think that i would be better off dead, i remember norman. he didn't want to go away...but he did. he appreciated every single second of the life he had left.

there are places i remember
all my life, though some have changed
some forever not for better
some have gone and some remain
all these places have their moments
with lovers and friends i still can recall.
some are dead and some are living.
in my life, i loved them all.

suicide has never been an option to me. i tried once. i failed. i took it as a sign that i was not supposed to die. i took a handful of pills and drank bleach. i ended up in the emergency room with a badly burned esosphagus and a stomach that burned while it was being pumped.

i will never forget that feeling. i will never forget how i regretted what i had done. i didnt want to die, though at the time, i felt it was my only option. crazy how that happens. but the thing is, suicide is forever. you dont get to change your mind. there isnt the ability to say, hey, this was a bad choice...i think i want to take it back.

no do-overs with suicide. one time only.

there is a rainstorm outside now. my blinds are pulled back and my patio door is open so i can hear the thunder and listen to the rain. i have candles lit. did i say that already? the pills are working on me and it feels so good right now. i have a windchime on the patio. not the kind that makes that metal tinkling noise. this is a wooden one that makes it sound like a timpani drum in the bahamas. the sound is so soothing to me. my house is so quiet right now. i am so aware of my fingertips on the keyboard. it has a certain rhythm to it.

i wish i could have a moment like this every single day. every day of my life. just time alone to sit with my thoughts. some time for introspetion. some time to take deep breaths and really focus on the past, the present and my future.

i kept my son home from school today. i know i shouldn't have. its only his fifth day. but i wanted to be around him. it was selfish. when i told him he didn't have to go...he rolled over in my bed, where he sleeps when my husband is gone, and gave me the warmest hug. he driffted back to sleep with a little smile on his face. my son is such a clone of me that it frightens me. i would hate it if he ended up with genetic bipolar disorder. the guilt would be so overbearing to me that i dont know if i could live with it. and, that same little face makes me want to stay alive. my daughter too. she is so good, so sweet. she's my babygirl. my first born. the one who i decided to keep...made a conscious decision to bring this little life into the world. shes twenty now and so beautiful. i havge a great husband. i have two beautiful happy children who are healthy and loving. i have a gorgeous home. my husband makes enough money for me to be comfortable and then some. we have opportunities to go away on extended weekends, trips to vegas, amazing anniversary vacations...

and i am still so sad.

i think about running away so much. leaving all of this behind. i feel like my kids deserve a better mom. my husband definately deserves a wife who is happy most of the time. someone who can get his house clean without laying in bed sobbing all day long. i am a rotten friend. I hide from people who i know love me and care about me simply because i feel i have nothing to contribute to the world.

once there was a way, to get back homeward
once there way a way to get back home
sleep pretty darling, do not cry.
and i will sing a lullaby.
golden slumbers fill your eyes.
smiles await you when you rise.
sleep pretty darling, do not cry...
and i will sing a lullaby.

Every time i take my cocktail of pills to control my moods, it is a very heavy reminder of the person i used to be and the medicated person i am now. i take all these pills. i am still so depressed. i miss being manic, the 'i dont give a flying fuck' feeling i used to have. now i am so guilt ridden all the time. i feel as though i commited so many sins, i will never recover from them. i think about god a lot now. what does he think of me. am i worthy of being accepted into his heaven or am i never to be done paying this debt i owe. i have never been a particularly religious person, yet as i get older, i think more and more about what god thinks of me. does he know im trying? i feel like i am being punished all the time for the sins i have committed once upon a time. no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to get ahead of myself...to recover from the things i did. i feel like i deserved to be battered for those years that i was with anthony, retribution for the other things i did in my life. i am so confused by those thoughts. my head is forever reeling with what i should have done, could have done. my husband thinks i am a beautiful woman and that i am 'the strongest woman' he has ever met.

then why do i feel so weak? why do i feel like a house of cards that will tumble down with one wrong move? why is it that everytime i take my pills, i feel like i am fooling myself? i dont take my recovery as seriously as i should. i know that. i want so bad to be fine on my own...to be strong enough to fix this all by myself. i fall flat. i am weak.

and any time you feel the pain
hey jude, refrain.
dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
for well you know its a fool who
plays it cool,
by making his world a little colder.

i am going to stop writing on that note. i think i have beaten myself up enough for one afternoon. i will read this later and realize what a bunch of junk i have just posted. there is no real meaning for this, because nothing i write is going to make it better. if anything, it only makes it worse because it is apparent i am hopeless.