It's hard when he is gone.

I find that my husbands presence works better for me than any drug can. When he leaves, there is an open wound in my heart that physically aches for him. These are the times that I find myself getting depressed, although it is not a severe depression. Still, it feels burdensome and weighs on my chest heavily. Nothing seems as bright when he isn't around. To quote a Van Morrison song, ain't no sunshine when he's gone. The days aren't so bad. I remember that he is at work and wouldn't be home with me anyway even if he didn't travel. The nights are the worst. When he calls me...he is at the hotel room alone. It makes me feel like time between us is getting wasted. We could be together during these times, but we aren't. Sometimes, I feel like I am too dependent on his presence in my life. I try to shake myself of these feelings, but they don't go away very easily. I think once I go back to work, things will be better. My days will be occupied with other things so I can't dwell on his absence. Until then, my heart feels empty and I lose some of my spark. It just doesn't feel right without him. I am afraid that when he goes away, I will fall prey to my depression again. I am trying to alleviate that feeling of doom by engaging in things that I enjoy. I am trying to be a better mother and wife, all while keeping the home fires burning. I was never meant to be a housewife. It's just not something I was designed for. Right now I feel so unmotivated and that has to change. I am trying to remember that we just spent a month home together, so it is hard to adjust to him leaving again. In a few days, I imagine that feeling will lift and things will be better for me. Until then, I remain morose and miserable, wallowing in my self pity. It fits like a glove and that is what upsets me most.