I had a talk with an ex-boyfriend today. I had some inner animosity going on and it was affecting me. I didn't think it would, but it did. It's not so much that I care what he thinks of me. I know he holds me warmly in his heart. It's more that I was so mean to him the last time we spoke. I haven't been that aggressive and angry in a long time. He made a comment in passing that I became overly sensitive about. I felt he was trying to create havoc in my marriage. He wasn't. If anyone else but him had made this same remark, I would have welcomed it, perhaps challenged it and definately found humor in it. I am trying very hard to right my wrongs in this lifetime. It's hard work. It takes a lot out of me sometimes. I know this particular gesture won't make my husband too thrilled with me, but it was something I was obsessing over. It's better that I just made peace with it rather than allowing it to consume me. I apologized and I feel better for it.
The doctor added some xanax to my ever growing cocktail. She is convinced that the rapid heartbeats I get now and then are due to anxiety. I don't feel thoroughly convinced by that. I think that I just get agitated and I react physically now as opposed to emotionally. She also said it would alleviate some of the tremors I experience since being on Lamictal. I shake like Charo at a luau now. If you watched me, and took note of my finer motor skills...you would think I had Parkinson's Disease. I twitch constantly now but i have learned to live with it. It's the lesser of the evils. The other thing? The dreams. The vivid, holy shit kind of dreams I am having. They feel so real and they are constant. It's not that they happen now and then, but every night I am on the magical mystery tour. It's freakish and full of technicolor.
They disturb me. Distress me sometimes...but I am learning to deal with them.
I wrote an article on my other blog that I think bothered some people. It was with regard to drug addiction. I don't make any apologies for writing it. It's what was on my mind at the time, so it flowed from my fingertips. That's the way it is for me. From the heart to the mouth or fingers, in this instance.
5 comments:
Everytime I hear "all apologies" I want to find the roommate who had to clean up my failed suicide attempt. Now I can go to the video store and see her in a christian movie with William Baldwin.
I was wondering if you had any thoughts or insight about Britney being diagnosed by (what seems like the media) as bipolar. Can you relate to that at all? What she's going through?
Not that I presume you are an expert on all things bipolar, just wondered about your opinion. I love her. Not sure why but I do.
God, I feel your pain. The cocktail of drugs, the Salvador Daliesque dream (think his painting with the clock melting down the stairs), the sheer and utter horror of it all...
I am facing 4 - 6 weeks without the husband with him not coming home at all during the time. He will be 2 time zones behind and working nights which makes even a phone conversation next to impossible. I am in complete panic mode.
Add to that little tid bit the fact that at 41 I have mono for the third fucking time in my life. I am wiped out, wasted, drained.... I am going to work, but just barely. The fear of him leaving partnered with the lovely illness has me over the edge. I am popping way too may Xanax right now. It, for me, stops the pounding in my chest. I literally manifest my emotions physically, not a pretty little picture, mind you.
On the other hand, I wanted to throw out that my German's brother and wife live in the Tampa area. We actually eloped on Honeymoon Island 07/03/06. We usually go to visit once or twice a year. Next time I head that way I would enjoy the opportunity to meet you in person at the shopping mall of your choice. :) We can be two wild women on a mission and it can involve shopping and alcohol... That is a frightening vision but it is all good.
I am thinking of you and all you go through. This blog has been a huge outlet for me. Especially since you've "been there, done that" and understand and do not judge nor discriminate. I thank you for that opportunity. In some ways, you have helped me help myself. Baby steps, sister....
Please take care of yourself.
Klinde
Hawaiian - That's an amazing story. It's strange what memories songs can evoke for us.
Randi - I think Britney is beyond bipolar. I think, like myself, she has mild schizophrenia as well. Her antics remind me of the way I was when I was a teenager, minus the paparazzi. All that fame and fortune thrust upon a child...she had her layers peeled back one by one til there was nothing left of her. I feel for the girl, I do. I hurt for her because I know what she is going through. I am glad she is in a psych ward right now so she will get the help she needs.
Klinde - can you email me? certifiableprincessAT
yahooDOTcom
I think we need to chat.
CP
Sweetie, 2 interviews = 2 big goals, hardly small, and I am proud of you. This is hard, I know, and I just wish you well......
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