I am having another downward slide. I feel it crawling up on me like a virus. I would love to do something to make it go away before it actually begins. I don't know what to do. I am trying what the psychiatrist recommended which is making small goals and keeping them. Lately, my small goal was to go to two job interviews. I did them both, which I am proud of. Still, I feel the slime washing over me. It literally has a feel to it. It feels like your body is slick with oil or something equally as nasty. I am treading water and a fine line right now. I feel like I am straddling between two different people right now. This feeling is the worst because you feel yourself about to drown and you are helpless to do anything to stop it. This is when I am most convinced that my pills are bullshit. I know they aren't. I haven't had a severe bout with mania in awhile which is good. I was dangerous to myself and others while experiencing manic episodes.
Britney Spears had nothing on me. I was a whole new category of crazy.
Now, I am more level headed and willing to concede victory to the mediocre that my life has become. No one wants to be manic. No one. I miss it from time to time, like a ferocious lover. You think about it. You may miss it, but you would never want it back. You wouldn't trade what you have now for it ever again. Still, it sits in the back of my mind...the potential is always there. It never leaves.
Sometimes I toy with the idea of skipping my medication. What would happen to me? Would I suddenly be driven mad? Would I have a seizure? Would I fall into some sort of coma or would I do the polar opposite and lose my ever loving fucking mind? It is so tempting sometimes, to stop taking the pills and to slowly feel deep heavy emotion again. It's like the difference between making love and fucking. I am so stable right now that it makes me bored of myself. This is when you want one of those nice, hard, brutal fucks. Mania. That's what I compare it to. It's hellaciously exciting but would you want it that way every night?
I don't know. Sometimes, I think I might.
5 comments:
Don't stop the meds, please! Deep in your heart you know better, but I get where you are coming from about it completely.
I emailed you...
Klinde
Dear CP,
I have missed my Prozac accidentally and it fucking sucks.
Also, I think it's good you still have "bad" days even though you're on meds. I felt depressed as all get out on Monday. Stayed home from school and work even. But it just felt like I was human and the next day, when I felt better, it was even better than I thought it would be.
Good luck.
xoxo
It seems great until you are actually there. But every once in awhile you skip your meds and the mood is just perfect and everything goes smoothly, and you wonder why you even bothered in the first place.
I learned years ago not to mess with my meds. It isn't worth it.
So...it's a while since you wrote your last post. Did the depression grab hold of you or were you able to break free?
"skipping my medication".
I've had more than 20 years of being crazy.
Skipping implies you will go back on.
You know yo-yo diets? Do they work?
No. Everyone who has ever tried dieting, once their diet ends they gain the weight back and more.
I am pretty sure this works with psych meds as well.
You can reduce or quit your medications, but know there will likely be physical withdrawal symptoms, then real and imagined mental problems. A new found fear of the color red, will/can be attributed to withdrawing from drug X. Does one fear red? yes . Is it psychologically induced? yes.
Whole can of worms there. Don't open the can unless you are prepared and planned.
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