Did I say I miss mania?
I didn't sleep at all for the past 38 hours. Not a wink. Functioned optimally at work. Now home, tired, but unable to do anything but blog and blog and blog. Can't shut myself off. Can't take a break. One trazadone and three klonopin later, I am still wide awake. It's a disease, I know. And when I am like this, no, I don't miss mania. I miss sleep. I hate having rapid cycling because it is bad for my short attention span. It also makes sleeping an unreachable dream.
I need to go back and read my blog the way you all do and remind me of what I am NOT missing at times like these.
I won't get off my meds. I can't. I never can. I just need to stop searching for the next big thrill, the next high and appreciate what I have under my own roof.
It's hard.
6 comments:
yeah, i bet it is hard. when you figure out how to do that, let me know wouldja? anything i can pass on to rob to help him cope and tame down the thrill seeking, you know?
It may be hard but you can do it.
Lack of sleep makes me feel like I'm hung over the next day. I won't get off my ativan because of my anxiety. They say that after ten years, I should start thinking about it. I can't. It helps me sleep...and other times, my eyes just won't close. Racing thoughts of 'what ifs' race through my mind....is the oven off? Are ALL of the doors locked? What if I don't go to sleep tonight? How will I function in the morning? I can't live this way!
Then I go to see my therapist, and he basically tells me nothing I already know.
I find that meditating works really good-----------WHEN I can focus. How does someone with anxiety, bi-polar or ADHD focus? I'm speaking of anyone with a disorder.
Love you!! xxoo
P.S. OH, and the best thing you can do is write your little heart out. Also, if I write down all the things that are bothering me while trying to fall asleep-----it's off my mind and on my word document. (Or paper)....try it.
Ya' know? Of course you do...
I can relate and will say that if the mania was gone I would miss it terribly because without it I would be someone else...
Later...
Blu~
Eventually, hopefully, you'll find a happy medium with just the right cocktail of meds. Right now they're still tweaking 'em, or they should be.
Thank goodness you have those boring days, otherwise I don't know how you'd make it thru times like this.
I think you are coping really good, even though it's really hard. You're hanging in there. Never give up.
hang in there! and do not do not quit your meds. AND print this post and glue it to your bathroom window or something so you can remember it the next time you R missing R mania.
Take care of yourself. Luv ya.
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