tests.
they don't mean shit to me.
i am too fucking smart. have been my whole damn life. think i would be more than what i am, but i can't be. my mind throws up road blocks and obstacles that even a smart person can't get out of.
first one done. i always am.
sometimes, i get one or two wrong on purpose so people believe i am human. so they see me as a person, not a machine with the capacity to know everything about nothing at all. i always know the answers. always. i am a genius. tested. confirmed.
so why am i not more that what i am in this life?
my brain is so full of disease. it's sick. it doesn't work right. i am the only person who didn't bring in their workbook for last minute studying. i know it all. i know it all already. i didn't study, dammit. i read it through once. ONCE.
time and money.
that's what stops me from being more in this life. time and money. if i had the money and didn't need to work, id have the time to be much more. i'd be a doctor or a lawyer or a nuclear physicist or a psychiatrist or a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist.
it took too long.
it took me to forty years old to finally get well enough to realize how sick i've been. took me all this time to get well enough to know that i am, in fact, sick. i am so sick. but i am smarter than so many people that i bore easily. i bore myself too, sometimes.
i like children. especially the smart ones.
their whole lives. their futures splayed out in front of them. i wonder if they are diseased, like i am, and if they will die before reaching their full potential...like me. like i will. i wasted so much time being sick. so much time being sick.
no time just being.
5 comments:
your whole life is splayed out before you too, cp. now is the time to just be.
did you obsess over the test, did you think you would fail miserably? if you don't mind my asking...
I didn't obsess. That's the problem. I never think I will fail anything. So, when it does happen (which is rare) I fall apart. I never obsess. I am the type that will read the notes the morning of the exam (like I did with this one) and pass it effortlessly. On the rare times that I don't succeed at something, it devastates me. No ability to cope...none. When it comes to my intelligence, it is permanent manic mode. It's very bad. Not healthy.
CP.
You've got 2 wonderful children. A fantastic husband. A new job & you're helping people in need. What more could you want, CP?
I bet there are tons of doctors, lawyers, etc. that would give their eye teeth to have what you do.
You have more than money, time or education could buy. Cherish it.
narcissistic view maybe, but I have read that most of us have above-average intelligence. That is the one thing that we have over the norms. Remember that.
Sadly procrastination and insecurity are ours to bare.
You are more than you think.
I am so scared that I am going to fail my psych exam that I have put it off for a month now. I would love to have your attitude.
later
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