I am feeling the fatigue of depression.

I had such big plans for today. I was going to color my hair, get my eyebrows waxed, perhaps even get a haircut. I did none of those things. I was supposed to pick up my son from school. I didn't. I have laid in bed all day feeling sorry for myself. I have no energy. These are the times I feel that the medicine is failing me. I want to be manic. I want to have the energy of 10 people and feel really alive. Instead, I am in my raggedy ass pajamas, laying in bed with the remote in one hand and a pack of cigarettes in the other. Yes, I am still smoking. I intend to quit on Mothers Day. It's my goal date. I am waiting for something to come along and snap me out of this. My brain wants to go out and do a million things. My body is not cooperating. I know this is only a mild depression. It will go away and things will be back to normal. I know this. Before my medication, my bipolar symptoms of depression would be so bad that I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to live. Now, the symptoms are lessened, but they still feel so bad. I know that the medication is not intended for me not to feel anything at all. It's normal, I think, to have days like this...days where you can't get out of bed for the life of you. Everyone has them...I think. For me, it is horrifying because I keep feeling that it is a prelude to a disaster. I think it is the beginning of a downward spiral. I take too much comfort in my bed, my pillows, my remote. I watch the hours go by and promise myself that this will be the last hour I will lay there. I lie to myself when I do this. I had a rough day today. It's not what I dreamt it would be. Right now, the thought of taking a shower just drains me. I need to take one. The thought of the water touching my body makes me want to cry. I don't want to be clean right now. I want to wallow in this huge hole I am feeling. My husband comes home tonight. I usually look forward to that...my tail wags like a happy puppy on days that he is coming home. Right now, my tail is between my legs and I am feeling like a victim. I have no right to feel this way. Everything in my life is pretty good. Better than good, honestly. But every now and then I get sucked into this vortex. I feel like I can't breathe when I am like this. I don't know how to snap out of it. I spent money today from the comfort of my bedroom. Bought a bunch of stuff from TV infomercials. Part of my manic issues consists of uncontrolable urge to shop and spend money that I really dont have right now.

I also self medicated. I took a bunch of percocet and I am presently waiting for it to kick in so I can feel "comfortably numb". At least when I am taking the drugs, I feel like there is a reason I am laying around doing nothing at all. I am high. I can't drive a car in that condition. Can't take a shower for fear of falling down. I can blog, because it is safe and doesn't require me to venture out of my hole. This is the beauty of having a laptop. I have made myself into a hermit, coming out of my room only to eat two pieces of white bread and a glass of orange juice. My head is hurting, not due to a headache but more due to a loss of interest in my world. I hate feeling like this but I can never be proactive and do anything to stop it. It's like I simply don't know how to behave anymore.

When I was having manic issues, I didn't care about days like this. I would just kick back with a "fuck it all" attitude and feel righteously justified. Hey, I work hard all fucking week. I have a right to lay around in my pajamas and do nothing.

I don't have that right.

I blew it with not picking my son up from school and having his father do it instead. It's my day off and I should have spent it with my kid instead of the remote control. Sometimes I feel like he is better off without me around. I don't like him to see the depressed side of mom anymore. Not since the medicine. I've protected him from a lifeless, lackluster mother. There was no excuse for today and the guilt compiled with the depression is making matters so much worse. I wish I could pull it together. It's almost 7 pm and I feel that it is too late to make any changes to this day. So, I wait patiently for tomorrow to feel awake and alive again. No guarantees that this will happen, but I remain hopeful.

I'm going back to sleep now. Hopefully a better me awaits in the morning.