Things are starting to calm down. A little. I haven't been as agitated as of late. I have a lot of stress with work, but who doesn't? i am inclined to agree with matthew who commented on my last post. he's right. i am more educated than most doctors that i could speak with about my condition. truthfully, they all make me laugh. they say the same things. they ask the same questions. if i could write my own prescriptions, i would never see another one again because i think most of them are quacks. i am still smoking. i am losing a lot of weight. but, things are calm. my husband is home for the next couple of months and i think that helps ease me more than any amount of medication can. he is my rock. i dont know what i would do if he werent in my life.

sometimes, i just get so tired of it all. i want to sleep endlessly and someone wake me up when something exciting happens. i feel like i cant get my emotions under control and they are starting to affect my life outside of my home. at home i get to be the princess laying under the covers all day long, getting up only to pee. My husband waits on me hand and foot. i know he does this out of love...but sometimes i wonder if it enables my depression. i feel like i cant do anything on my own anymore. i used to be so fiercely independent. now i feel like i cant do a thing without my husband around me. eventually, he is going to tire of this role, i am sure of it...and then he will be gone. like everything else that is good in my life. he assures me he is not going anywhere. i am certain that one day he will.

then again, i have abandonment issues. this is my baggage to carry...not his.

but for now, calm. i'll take it for now. i can use a dose of normal for awhile.

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There is so much pain in my depression. Physical pain. I called off from work. They told me I better come in or it means my job. So I will go, reluctantly and probably hopped up on xanax. I wish things were different. I feel too much. I feel it all so acutely that it troubles me. Sometimes I wish I could be more like other people...people who don't agonize over ever detail. I feel the beating of my heart constantly. It hurts all the time. I feel in a constant state of out of body...yet I feel all the pain. I miss being happy. I don't know if I ever was actually. I think that I have always been torn in half. Broken. Damaged goods. I am such a high functioning person. Jobs have a shelf life of about three months with me before I get tired of being in the same spot with the same people. It gets old and I need to move on. It used to be like that with men too. I was never faithful to anyone until my husband came along. For some reason, he doesn't expire for me. Every day I look forward to another day with him. I have beautiful and wonderful children but somedays I wish they had a different mother. One that didn't live in pain and wallow in her own self pity sometimes. I can't catch my breath on somedays. I panic and wonder how I will survive the day. I wish I could be one of those people who jump out of bed, ready to face the day. My husband. He is that way. I wish I were him. I wish I could be just like him. He's perfect. Charitable and kind. He has such a huge heart and doesn't let pain affect his day. He puts it all away in a box he calls "whatever" and doesn't let the world get to him. For me, it's ache ache ache all the time. Sure, Ihave happy moments. None moreso than when I lay my head on my husbands chest and listen to him breathe. I always hope that his heartbeat would leap into my chest and I could be who he is. Then again, if I were that person, would he love me the way he does? He is a caretaker by nature and I am an ongoing process. I know he loves to fix everything in my life. He lives to see me smile. And when I suffer, he takes the burden of it and shoulders it for me. I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle sometimes. Something has to give eventually. I want to be strong again. I lost that with the medications. I lost my ability to let mania run my day. That was my strength, despite being a weakness...a flaw in the design. I miss being careless. I miss being hardened by life instead of feeling so weak all the time. I miss all the little things about me that I once loved. I forgot how to write. I miss being able to create. I don't feel strength enough to write anymore. I am tired all the time...mentally and physically. If I could live under my blankets forever I would. I would never come out from under my covers. Hidden. I would stay hidden from the sunlight and only come out at night. But, when my husband delivers me to the sun, the sand and the ocean...when we get away...I feel like living again. There is something about being with him on a sunny day just carefree in the breeze that makes me feel alive. I miss that feeling. We don't go to the beach very often any more. And I need that. It inspires me. The ocean is so great and so vast. It makes you realize how small you are in comparison with the rest of the world. The sunlight feels like soft feathers brushing my skin and wakes me. I miss the sunshine. I miss walking in daylight and feeling like I was a part of the world. Right now, I feel so far away from myself...and I don't know who or what I am. I forgot. I keep forgetting.

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I want to cry. A nice long deep meaningful cry. I want all this poison out of my system.