i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

the depression isnt lifting this time. i am fucking up at work royally. last night i was so sick. i know it was from the depression. i fell asleep at work last night. i laid down for about a half hour in my car. today the assistant director of nursing told me she wanted to see me about "last night's incident". i dont know if i am getting fired or not. they are letting me work my shift tonight so i dont think that makes any sense. i mean, if i were getting let go, why would they let me work tonight? i hope i am just going to get written up or suspended for a few days. i dont know anymore.

i need him here right now. i do. he is the only thing that holds me together when i am like this. he's in arizona...a gazillion miles away from me. i cant manage life anymore. i feel like i am in a hole that i cant dig myself out of. i dont know how to make it better. i am acutely aware of what is going on with me. that makes matters worse. when i didn't know why or what, it was better. now i know that i am so depressed for reasons unknown to me...but i am aware of it. the medications are failing me. there is no where else for me to go with them. i am already maxxed out on the things i can take. i dont know what else to do. i used to be able to function, when i was manic. now i cant function. i cant hold a job. i cant do anything right anymore. i am trying so hard and all i keep doing is fucking up royally. even as i write this, i feel like a damn failure at life. i miss being able to be wonder woman, even at the cost of dark depressions. i miss the mania so much. i know i got sick last night because of medication withdrawal. i havent taken my meds because i just dont care to use them anymore. this morning i took them. i dont know that they are going to help me anymore. i need help. i want help. i dont want to lose my job over this...but i have a feeling that is what is going to happen.

i feel desperate right now. like i have nothing to hold onto. i feel like i cant breathe anymore. i have no energy. i am completely listless. there is something so wrong with me. i sabotage everything that is good in my life. the only thing i havent fucked up yet is my marriage, but i am certain that that will end up failing me as well. there is only so much my husband is going to take before he realizes that i am a hopeless case. hes the best thing that ever happened to me and somehow, i always manage to make those things go away. i am so frustrated with myself. i want to go into work tonight and be super nurse, but i dont feel like i have it in me. i just dont know what to do anymore. i need saving in the worst way but i have nothing to believe in right now. nothing. i lay in bed all day long. i cant bring myself to do the simplest things. i dont cry because i dont feel anything. i want to cry. i want to have a long hard cry and get all of this out of my system, but i dont know what to cry for.

its so hard being like this. i want to believe in myself and do the right things...but it all seems like too much of a challenge. too much work to live but i dont want to die either. somedays i wish i could just stop breathing in my sleep and put an end to this misery that my life has become. im so sick. and i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i dont know what makes sense anymore.

when i read back the things that i write, i think to myself that this is one pathetic person who has really lost a grip on what is real. i feel bad for this person and wish i could do something to help them. i cant. and feeling sorry for myself only makes matters worse. i have this looming sense of doom now. i know i am probably going to lose my job and it is a terrible feeling. i love it there. i do. i dont want to lose it but it seems i can never hold down a job because there is always something larger than myself interferring with my goals. i dont know how to make it stop already. i dont know how to get better. all the therapy in the world doesn't seem to help me. all the pills...they are a temporary fix. they work for a while and then, suddenly, they give up on me just as i have given up on me.

i just dont know how this story is going to end. i feel out of control. i dont know what else to do. things feel so hopeless and i dont see the light anymore. when my husband goes away, i feel damaged. i feel like he is never coming home again. i know i have abandoment issues. everything good in my life goes away eventually. my marriage is solid. when i am in a more lucid frame of mind, i know this is true. i know my husband loves me so much. he cares about me more than he cares about himself. i know this. but when he is gone, i walk around with a perpetual fear that he is never coming back again. i trust him with every fiber of my being and know that this will never be the case. ever. but when i am in this hole...i need him here so badly. i cant cling to him 24/7 the way i need to. i have to be a big girl and grow the fuck up and out of this cycle. i am 41 years old and i feel like this is never going to end for me. ever.

i wish i was different. i wish things were different.

i dont know how to make that dream come true and it leaves me hopeless.