i am so angry i could just spit.
i dont know why i am angry, i just am. i have been very agitated lately and it is turning me into a beast. i read my post below this which is about a week old and i am like "who the fuck is that little whimpy whining bitch?" my hands are shaking. i told my husband that i wanted to hurt someone or something so badly that i can taste it. these mood swings are driving me crazy again. i cant stand them anymore. i fucked up at work again (see other blog cause im not getting into it over here) and i truly dont give a rats ass right now. i want to tell people i am sick. i am not well. i have excuses and reasons up the ass. truly i do. but i dont bother with them because i am not the "oh help me i am drowning" kind of person...except when i am alone in this blog. i am considering getting a really large tattoo today because i know it would hurt. I want it to hurt. i want that kind of pain so badly right now. a needle driving into my flesh, boring it open and inserting permanent ink that will rot there forever more. i already have one that is on my ass. sometimes a iregret it and sometimes i dont. it was a change of life tattoo. i turned 30. i pierced some stuff and got a tattoo as well. big deal. now i just want the pain. i told my husband that i want to grab a fistful of someones hair and pull it out of their head. i want to damange something but preferably someone. i am shaking while i write this because i am livid. my husband says "you're not bad...you're not broken" but i couldn't disagree with him more. i feel like i am broken. i feel like i have no sense of purpose any longer. i want to hurt physically. i do. i want there to be such excrutiating pain that i cant think of anything else. i dont want to kill myself because that just ends the drama that i so thrive on. besides, i like life sometimes. enough to stick around to see how it all turns out at least. ive got great kids. they are my life. ihave a grandchild coming in october/november. i have to be here for that. and my husband...my lifeline.
i just feel like junkmail. it supposed to serve a purpose but all it ends up is an annoyance that you just throw away.
god, who was that girl in that last post. pathetic. i wish she was here so i could slit her throat.
5 comments:
OUCH!!! You're sounding awful. Does your husband know how bad you're feeling? Sounds like it's time to see your doctor.
I'm sorry about your pain. Just wish I could help somehow.
But you do need help. Please let someone know how bad it is.
Marja, I honest to god think she is beyond professional help. She is smarter than any Doctor she can speak with, has heard what they all have to say, and is already on more meds than is probably safe. The only thing that can help her now is herself. And I have no doubt one day she will find her balance, perhaps with her grandchild on the way she will find peace. Couple that with the continued loving support from her husband and friends, and all should be well in her world one day. Until then, like the rest of us, she will find that at every corner in life there is pain, hardship and loss, as well as joy, happiness and pleasure.
If you ask me... she is more alive than any of us, she feels it all more intensly than most do and that can take its toll. The star that burns brightest, burns shortest.
CP call me we can talk, you can scream at me I will take it I have broad shoulders, and if you want to yank some hair out.. we can negotiate something! I have tried to contact you several times, I dont like the way your sounding, please email me, call me something!!!!
I hope it is okay to comment here and that I am not out of line. If I am, please just delete and ignore it, okay?
I feel like that sometimes with the anger. I used to feel it even before I understood it. If you want help dealing with it, you have to be willing to really dig deep and be very honest with yourself. Meds cannot 'fix' you. You aren't broken, or crazy, or any of that other crap. You must ask yourself who you are angry with and you must be willing to hear the answer. Before you say that you are angry with yourself, let me just suggest that you are treating yourself as a scapegoat if you blame yourself. WHO are you angry with and what did they do to you? Until you can deal with that, you will be the scapegoat. Who taught you to be a scapegoat? You deserve better than that.
Take care of youself as best you can. Please love yourself. You deserve compassion and it means the most when it comes from the self.
And you are certainly NOT the junkmail. I used to compare myself to the garbage. Until I remembered whose comparison that really was. I am not the garbage. Others taught me to believe that I was, but that was a terrible lie.
These problems you are experiencing do not just come out of nowhere. They really, really don't.
Marja...it's nice to know I have support. I like it when you visit. You have a nice calming effect.
Jaime, you have your OWN issues to worry about. I wouldn't burden you with mine. This blog is my therapy, so consider it me talking to you...and you can just answer me...or not. We have to go to the new Cracker Barrel for coffee soon. Text me your schedule eventually!
Lynn you are always welcome to post here. Always. I love what you had to say. Terrible lie. That's what I feel like sometimes. It's comforting to know others feel the same from time to time. You are SO not out of line.
Matthew - Read my comment to you in the post above this one.
CP.
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