It's raining again in Florida. What else is new? This is the worst place to live if you suffer from depression. Either it is gloomy and raining or the sun is shining so brightly you feel as though you are being mocked.

Either instance is disconcerting to the perpetually depressed person.

I haven't been that bad lately. There's been no deep lows except for one day I can think of while in New York. My mother was stressing me out (there's something new, huh?) I drank too many glasses of wine and shoved some xanax down my throat. Needless to say I vomited my guts up the entire night and had a madass migraine...but it still felt better than talking to my mother. Sometimes I love her so much and other times, I can't stomach her as a human being. I guess, that is probably wrong. I always love her. I just don't like her very often. I always said if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't have much interest in being friends with her in the real world. She's not a nice person sometimes.

She is definately bipolar. She just refuses to admit it or see it.

I can understand that. You have to be a very brave person to admit you are mentally ill and do something about it. She is now on Effexor from Paxil and I still don't see where it is helping her. But, she's 67 years old and I can't see me changing her mind at this point.

I have to remember not to spend so much time in New York with her because it damages me. It really does. I regress and I feel myself slipping away.

Damn this thunder and lightning.

It makes me want to go cut myself. Seriously. Just to see blood seeping out of my skin. Then, licking it clean and watching it re-pool again. I love that. It's been so many years since I have done that to myself but on days like today, I long for that feeling, that vision.

I know. I'm still sick.

I didn't go see Matthew while I was in New York. I have mixed emotions about it. In retrospect, it is probably good that we didn't see one another. I think I would prefer to be remembered the way we last saw one another. Then, there's another part of me that truly can't fathom the fact that I will never see him again. It's not a lusty thing. It's not sexual or anything like that. We were just so close in so many aspects that I have never felt again since him. I had my husbands blessing to go see him. My husband is a fucking angel like that. I just chose not to...and frankly, whose to say that Matthew would have wanted to see me? Nah, that's not so true...I know he would love to see me again, but I don't know that he is willing to risk his life again to do so. He almost lost everything in his life because of me...

Thunderstorms make me think of him. That's all it is. Thunderstorms.

Damn this rain.