i had my chance at the good cry. my friend at work got broken up with by her boyfriend of eight months. this is a girl i really admire a lot. to see her spirit broken, her eyes reddened and her nose a little runny got to me. i called my husband because i started to cry. i felt her pain and it hit me hard. i took my break and had a nice long cathartic cry...based on her agony. it helped me too. i sat out in the courtyard of my job and cried for all the things that come and go in our lives. the things you think you can rely on. the things that we are so certain are going to be forever and then...they're not. i called my husband, still crying and asked him if he was going to fall out of love with me someday. he called me some ridiculous name, lovingly of course, and held me. it crushed me to see someone so sparkling and beautiful get hit by a truck of emotion the way she did. she never saw it coming. i took an extra xanax this morning to sleep...because i am actually hurting for her so much. i want to take away her pain because she is normally so stoic and strong. he broke her. and it led me to that cry that i needed.

i am listening to a song by Lifehouse called Far Away From Where You Are. The words. I know they are exactly what she is thinking right now.

So far away from where you are.
The miles have torn us worlds apart.
and i miss you.
yeah i miss you.
So far away from where you are
standing out beneath the stars
because i wish you were here.
i miss the years that were erased.
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face.
i miss all the little things.
i never thought they would mean everything to me.
yeah i miss you.
and i wish you were here.
i feel the beating of your heart.
i see the shadows of your face.
just know that wherever you are...
i miss you.
and i wish you were here.
i miss the years that were erased.
i miss the way the sunlight would light up your face.
i miss all the little things.
i never thought they would mean everything to me.
yeah i miss you.
and i wish you were here.
so far away from where you are.
miles have torn us worlds apart.
i miss you.
yeah i miss you.
and i wish you were here.


So she gave me my reason to cry. how do i repay her for that? she reminds me of a mustang, the horse, not the car...one that has to be broken because she is a wild free spirit. and i feel like this guy broke her. whats in it for me. why do i care so much? because she reminded me of what it is like to feel. to really feel. i cried for her and for a hundred other things tonight, out back in the courtyard of my job, smoking a cigarette and looking at the stars. i watched the smoke swirl in the air, making crystalized pictures against the black sky. and then, the tears came...and when they came, they wouldn't stop.

i called my husband and he immediately came up to my job just to give me a hug and tell me that i cannot fix my girlfriends problem. I can only just listen, be compassionate and be there for her. "will you get tired of me someday," i said to him. "we've been together for nine years. im not tired of you yet. i never will be." and his hug was so warm. he gives the best hugs. i feel enveloped and protected...like nothing will ever hurt me in this entire world.

i want that for my friend. i want her to know what that feels like and not give up hope. i wish she saw herself the way i see her. her cry was needed. she needs to get the poison out of her system. i needed a reason to cry and move forward with this depression. the tears tasted so salty and i didn't wipe my eyes. i let each one of them run their full course down my cheeks. i wanted to feel that.

i miss all the little things life has to offer...like tears.