I went to court today.

Copped a plea of guilty. Didn't want to do "no contest" because that isn't admitting your guilt. It's just a way of postponing the inevitable. I walked away with $300 in court costs and six months probation. I was ready to go to jail. I am almost upset with myself for not being remanded to the county lockup. It would have made these wounds feel a little better. The problem is all these light slaps on the wrists I keep getting for the things that I do. I hold myself very poised in a courtroom. I know how to play the state attorney. They hate victims. So, I cop a guilty with extenuating circumstances all the time.

I was actually looking forward to doing 60 days in jail. I was mentally prepared for it, hoping it would bring me a great big reality check. But that check hasn't been written which keeps me unwritten upon. I bear no responsibility. I pled guilty because I thought it was what the nursing board would want to see.

And then I came home and took four xanax and three percocet.

I've learned nothing.