Agitation is setting in. It's 5am. I'm not sleeping. The mania is beginning and this time, I can feel it. I am accutely aware of it. I am anxious and anxiety ridden. I keep this blog as a journal, reminding me where I was, where I am...and where I may end up. I don't feel horrible just yet, but I do feel that crawling sensation that I get just before a terrible manic episode. My legs won't rest. My mind won't rest. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I took some painkillers for the pain in my left knee. It's agonizing. It's going to need surgery, like my right knee did...but I am holding off. I don't want to go under anesthesia right now. The thought of it scares me...and thrills me at the same time. I love being drugged. I think I may be addicted to painkillers, but I am not certain. I know I love taking them, but I don't take them daily...even when they are readily available to me. I just know that it numbs more than the physical pain I am feeling. I feel very dissatisfied with my life right now. I am not working and I think that is a big contributor. I remember being addicted to cocaine back in the 80's and early 90's. I remember how devastting it was to my life. Everything changed when I was doing blow. I was sick...couldn't be without it. I don't feel that way about the pain medicine, but I know that sometimes I take it when I don't need it, just to feel better. My primary care doc is a bit of a douchebag and won't give me pain medicine when I ask for it. "Diet and exercise" he always tells me. Fuck that.

I am restless and uncomfortable in my own skin right now.

I also realize that this occurs more often when my husband leaves town. He just left tonight and I feel a little emptier when he is gone. I feel like part of my reason to live has walked out on me. Maybe it goes back to feelings of abandonment as a little girl. Maybe that's a crock of shit...and I just love my husband being around. He keeps me stable, steady and happy. It's very possible that he is another one of my addictions, something I need to get by. In a lot of ways, he saved my life.

Now it's my turn to accept that responsibility for myself.

Long term, I will go back to school in January. I will complete my RN. Medium term goal is to clean my house so it looks beautiful when my husband gets home from his business trip in Chicago. Short term immediate goal? Sleep. I have to get some sleep or I wont be any good to anyone tomorrow, especially myself.

I just made a pot of Mac and Cheese though. I am going to eat that first. Comfort food. I wish my husband was here to share it with me.

I won't call Day 13 a wash just yet. Not yet.