I have found that I am grieving normally. I fall into tears every few hours or so and wonder why. I suppose when someone kills themself, you are always lead to wonder why in the wake of their departure. Derek was dying from the day he was born. He was in constant emotional pain and he found it to be his muse. I understand that and relate to it. The only difference was that I wanted to live long enough to see my children grow and my grandchildren someday. I want to be married to my husband for no less than 50 years. And, in order to do this, I have to alleviate my manic depression. Derek thrived on his...and then again, not so much. He was the greatest actor alive. Always managed to put someone down with a smile and make them feel like they weren't just insulted. He had this way about him that only certain people would be drawn to him, others found him too complex and stayed away. The people who were more like him were the ones who gravitated to him.
It's day 17 of neutral...save for the crying and the normal grieving. I have not rolled myself into bed and called it a day. I have been up, actively talking with my husband all day. Watching my son play with his friend. Drinking way too much coffee. If Derek hadn't died, I would have been out of my pajamas, but I feel I owe him the day. I have to reminisce. I thought of things that I would do with my husband on a Derek day. That day will be on his birthday, not the date of his death. We will see a really bad movie, a movie that no one in their right mind would go see. We will go to Applebee's, where it all began, and have a drink.
The anti depressants failed Derek. In turn, he failed himself. I failed him.
If only I had time for that cup of coffee...
3 comments:
I know how you feel. When I was in high school a friend of mine asked me, on the way home from school in the school bus, if I could come hang out with him at his house. I said no, because I had to ask my mom first and at the time I didn't have a cell phone (almost no one did). He hung himself with the chain from his bike in the garage that evening. His mom found him when she tried to open the garage door to park the car. I found out the next morning at school. I was the last person he ever spoke to.
I always wonder if I'd gone to his house if he would still be alive and thriving. But I will never know. The pain and the questioning get dull with time, but it's something that never fully goes away.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. Please don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you need to talk to someone who's gone through it.
I am sending you a hug or ten. You can allow yourself a day or two in your pjs, that's what grief does to "normal" people, as you said. i am so happy to hear you are feeling neutral still, even in the face of such raw pain.Be kind to yourself and remember Derek with love. I hope he found the peace he needed.
dont blame yourself.....if u had time for THAT cup of coffee?....it wouldve surfaced in another cup down the line.....
we are all responsible for our own shit....
hang in there....U're still in neutral .....despite someone throwing it into reverse!!!.....Now...just get thru Ester....LOL
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