Day 12. I am starting to feel a little agitated. My teeth are grinding, a deep indicator of a manic episode on the horizon. I am not sleeping tonight. My head is hurting. All of these things usually come on before a heavy bout of mania. Only this time, I am accutely aware of it. I snapped at my husband last night over something ridiculous. I apologized for it the next morning. He understood, but I still think he gets overwhelmed with my emotional explosions. He confessed that he has been reading online sites with regard to being the spouse of a person who is bipolar. He tells me he doesn't relate to a lot of it, but some of the posts he finds useful.
The true test of my increase in medication will come next week when my mother arrives. She is the one who makes me positively explosive beyond reason. If I can get through that, I will be better for it. She will be here for six days, enough time to undo a lot of the positive work I have done for myself. My mother and I have issues. We always had a love hate relationship. We try to be close, but eventually and inevitably, one of us says something that the other takes great offense to. We know how to push one anothers buttons...hard. She is a poor advocate of my illness as she claims it comes more from the need to be a drama queen. I suppose that is a fair evaluation in some instances. Bipolar people tend to be more dramatic than most and command (and demand) a lot of attention. However, I was always prone to terrible fits of rage. That has diminished with the medication. I was angry all the time without even knowing why. My husband said I would wake up angry and that was the precursor for the entire day. I didn't know how to snap out of it. I just knew I wanted to fight with anyone and everyone. I don't feel that way anymore. Actually, I feel it drains me of my energies now.
This is still day 12 of that neutral feeling...though I feel myself getting irritable. I had a hard time getting out of my bed today and feel a bit anti social. No depression involved, just the way my mania presents itself. I get stand offish right before I go over that ledge. I am so accutely aware now that I feel I can stay a step ahead of it. Possibly stay in control of it.
We will see.
3 comments:
Hi CP, I hope with all my heart that this is the first of many times when you are aware of what's coming, emotionally, for you. Even if you can't completely control it this time, just knowing it's coming is a great start. Good luck!
I agree with Ladybug. I think that being aware of what's going on is a GREAT step in the right direction. Knowledge is power, right???
And ohmyword, I will be waiting to hear how the visit with Esther goes. Just view it as great blog fodder if nothing else.
And know that I am always just a email away if you need anything, okay???? I am a GREAT listner and view supporting Princess's as one of my life long ambitions.
CP: I am of the mindset of Ladybug and Jodi. Sometimes it takes the feeling of neutrality to get the precursor of the outbreaks. Normal is highly underrated especially to those of us who have never had any real sense of it.
As for the visit with Esther, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship with my own mother though it took some doing.
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