Effortless.
That is how I describe my mood swings. Effortless. They just go. I try to make them stop, but they don't. I can't get them to go away. I am having manic thoughts again and on the verge of stupidity.
I dont remember my childhood very well. Is that normal? I feel like i blocked that entire part of my life out of my mind. i dont think i was ever sung a lullabye. can you still need that at the age of 42?
i wish it were 10 years ago again. i want to start the last 10 years...no, fifteen years over again.
i would have said no to tony when he asked me out.
i would have walked away from my marriage before having an affair.
i would never have traded that affair for anything. i needed it to feel beautiful again.
i would not have taken no for an answer. it would have happened my way.
i would have been different to my boyfriend/fiance/husband.
2003 would never exist.
i suppose i am collecting my regrets at this point. i do have them...but if i did one thing remotely different, i wouldnt have what i have right now. so the beatings were worth it. that affair...it was worth it. i dont regret it. it came into my life at exactly the right time. we weren't meant to be together forever. that wasnt in the cards. but it was meant to happen when and the way it did. i regret the way it ended though. but on a happier note, i dont regret moving in for a rainy wet kiss on december 17th. i dont regret letting some strange guy feel me up in the middle of a restaurant. it was funny at the time. never knew that it would lead up to 9 years of bliss. so what would i have done differently? nothing i guess. regrets are such a funny thing.
if you dont have them, you really havent lived...but on the same hand, if you have them, you could have potentially altered whatever you have in the here and now. i dont know. its confusing to me.
my therapist wants me to focus on my breathing. he says i tend to breathe shallow when i am confessing things. he says i get anxious. no shit.
is someone getting the best of you?
I love when music comes on my laptop. I start typing song lyrics as quickly as they are being sung. its music therapy for me.
fuck me. i love my husband so much. it hurts me.
there is a swinging pendulum over my head. its watching me.
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sometimes i read my posts back and they dont make any sense to me. but it was what was in my brain at the time i wrote it. i love this blog. no issues to uncover but whatever i am feeling at that given second. this blog is so healthy for me. its private and its mine and it gives me a place to just vomit everything out of my system. i dont always understand what i am saying.
ive become what you became to me.
2 comments:
Cp I got your message.. congrats. I also wish that you didnt feel so isolated, we need to get together and do some us time, we havent done that it a while even if its simply sitting around bullshitting I think you and I do the same thing, we seem to shut people out, and as we both know it doesnt help, however I continue to do it over and over, and I know you have told me you do it over and over. We should try even if it kills us, to see how the non-hermits live. Love ya ME
You know, they say that if you didn't know the "bad" aspects of life, that you wouldn't be able to appreciate the "good" things. I suppose it's kind of along those lines for regrets, too--all the choices we make or don't make, even if we wish we hadn't gone through that stuff, makes us who we are, and if we were able somehow, to "get rid of" the parts we don't like, then the parts that we do like might not have turned out the same either. Not easy, but it all kind of fits together.
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