I am at a plateau.

I like this feeling. Normal. I wish it could be like this all the time. I feel the breeze and say, wow, this is nice. I've lit a candle and I am on my laptop in my living room with my son and my husband. Each of us are on our own computer but at least we are all in the same room. I'm not curled up in bed alone. I am listening to mellow music. It's just a comfortable feeling. Peaceful. And now, I am wondering about my future. What is in store now that I committed a crime that could potentially ruin my life? What precisely have I done? I try to think about the potential outcomes and nothing comes to me. My husband says everything will be fine. He always says that and he is usually right. I overreact to everything. Everytime I think I have got life under control I do something to sabotage myself. I don't do it intentionally...I think. Something in me is just so self destructive. I hurt myself emotionally. It's a different feeling from when I used to hurt myself physically. I enjoyed that pain. It made all the bad feelings fall away and I got to focus on the pain...the blood. Sometimes I find myself missing the beatings I used to get from my ex boyfriend, Tony. He would hurt me so badly...so badly that I would end up with damage both emotionally and physically. But the physical pain was so much greater at the time. Even now, when I have sex, I demand that my husband hit me, pull my hair and generally act out on me. He is reticent to do this because he doesn't like the idea of hurting me on any level...but he does it reluctantly anyway. I can't do it back to him the way I want to. He doesn't like that kind of craziness. I try to respect his boundaries and avoid hitting him. Can't pull at his hair because he is bald. *s* but Lord knows how I want to tear my nails down his back and rip his skin. One time, I asked him to choke me while we were having sex...the inability to breathe just heightened everything for me. He was so upset about it. He didn't want to do it. I had to beg him to. I get very sexually aggressive especially when I am going through one of my manic phases. It's never enough for me and I am insatiable. I could have ten men tag teaming me and outlast all of them. They say that high insatiability is one of the ways manic depressives act out. I have been with me with that appetite and still have worn them down, left them panting and broken. It gives me some sort of sadistic pleasure to see a man worn down like that...or a woman for that matter.

I haven't had an affair on my husband and for me that is a major accomplishment. I have never been faithful to anyone a day in my life...except to Tony, but that was more out of fear than want. There is no one else I want other than my husband. I can't get enough of the man. I hurt a lot because we don't have sex as often as we used to and I can't stand that. We have an overabundance of affection for one another though. We kiss each other before one of us leaves a room. We make sure to hug each other at least once an hour. There is absolutely no lack of affection. Just a lack of that wanton desire you have when you are first dating. I miss that...the whole 'cant keep my hands off of you' thing. He is my true love and I am totally devoted to him. Still, I long for that groping needy kind of desire.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. That's not the big picture and certainly not the reason we have the bond that we do. That's just the vicious side of me wanting to come out. I have a very sadistic, nasty side to me...and I love letting her out now and then.

Tonight is "date night" for my husband and I. I think I will totally fuck him up tonight. Take out all my aggression on him. I have a lot of aggression pent up in me. Sometimes I think I should take kickboxing or something.

I told someone today that I love playing in the rain. I miss that. It's the rainy season here in Florida right now, but no one to play outside with. I remember the first kiss I shared with my husband. We were leaning on his car. I had just graduated nursing school. He gave me a ride home from the graduation. It had just started to rain. We were standing very close to one another. I remember that we both leaned in at the same time for this kiss. It lasted a LONG time. It started to rain harder but we didn't care. My white dress was becoming soaked...nursing outfit, complete with nurses cap. And my husband...he just clung to my hips. I felt his hands hot on my hips. He pressed into me and the rain just came down harder between us. When we broke the kiss, we just stared at each other for a moment, sort of in awe of what just happened. We walked onto my front porch for shelter from the rain. He pushed me up into the corner of my porch and kissed me so deeply again. The rain and thunder were in the background. He ran his hands all over me and I didn't care. There was a certain urgency in the moment. We broke the kiss for a moment. I went inside to check on the kids (who were sound asleep)...take off my wet dress. I came back outside in a tshirt and panties. Things got increasingly hot at that moment and we did a lot of things on my front porch that most people wouldn't do in the privacy of their own bedroom.

I had just come out of a very "steamy" relationship with someone else so I was missing this sort of passion. But, there was something more to this. I knew, for some reason, that this was the person I was going to make my husband. I don't know how I knew that...but I did.

And as a sidebar, I am going to interject with something that makes no sense right now. It's a line from a Chicago song that says "the best thing that happened to you was the worst thing that happened to me".

I know why I am saying that. You don't need to know.

The weather here is about as close to perfect as it can get.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What the fuck am I doing?
Seriously.
What the fuck?
A problem that I run away from
runs towards me.
The weather here is now stormy.
Real stormy.
Lightning.
Wind.
Thunder.
Raindrops.
And I am going to stand outside in it.
In my pajamas.
Arms outstretched.
Letting it soak me.
Letting my hair stick to my skin.
What the fuck am I doing?
It's gotta clear up. Soon.
It has to.
Or should I just settle for a shower
and imagery?
Could I die in the arms of anyone at anytime?
Why.
What thrill is there to standing in the rain?
Why is it when the weather is bad
I am at my worst?
Run. That's what I need to do.
Run. Run with my eyes wide open.
I need to know what is going on inside of me.
Inside of me.
INSIDE OF ME.
Shake my head. No. No more.
This is who I am.
This is who I am always going to be
at the core.
The deepest core.
This is what I will be.