It's all coming to a head now.

I got the letter from the Board of Nursing that I have been dreading exactly two weeks to the date of the incident. I feel relatively calm about it despite the fact that this could end my career as a nurse. I know I sabotaged myself. So, do I go the bipolar route and say I don't know why I did it...it was just a manic moment or do I go through the substance abuse route even though I don't think that was really the reason at all.

I suppose I should consult a lawyer, but I don't know whether or not I need to. I sort of want to handle this on my own and see where it leads. In the interim, I find myself becoming restless. I am jumping out of my own skin needing something to do to occupy my time. I am loading up on xanax just so I can stay asleep because the alternatives are no good to me. I am up for a big ball of trouble right now and don't think I can contain myself for much longer. I am losing a lot of weight due to stress and the inability to get myself into trouble. I am craving trouble. In any shape or form. I am bored. So bored with life right now. Even with my husband being home, it's like he's not here at all. I don't spend any time with him because he is working on his computer constantly. Then, when evening comes, he goes to visit with him mother at his sisters house. I know she is only here for a short amount of time so I don't begrudge him his time with her...but I am getting restless and it is starting to manifest itself in not so good ways.

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My skin is crawling. I need to get the hell out of this house. I can't breathe in here anymore. I am sick of watching television and wandering the expanse of my home. I can't stand watching my husband work anymore. IT's making me insane. I want to be doing something, anything...but there is nothing.

Argh. Make this mundane existance go away...please!