I sure know how to find trouble when I am looking for it.

I found it in the form of an ex boyfriend.

I told my husband that I was speaking to him online. He wasn't mad, actually, he asked me how he was doing and what was going on in his world. Asked me if he was with the same woman that he was with when he and I had our affair.

The guilt I feel is more than I can handle sometimes.

I didn't do anything wrong, but I know that if my husband was chatting with his ex, I would go through the fucking roof. I would be inconsolable. It's like there is a different set of rules for the both of us and there shouldn't be. I am just always curious about my ex and what happens to him. I suppose we never had any closure. Our affair ended abruptly and not very nicely. I have this bizarre connection to him though and I don't really want that to come to an end. If my husband asked me never to speak to him again, I wouldn't. He is more important to me than the air that I breathe.

I sure know how to bring trouble into my life though. It's why nothing in my life ever remains stable and wholesome. I do stupid things and even though talking to my ex is harmless, I know that I have the potential to hurt my husband by doing so. My husband is a better man than most. He allows me enough room to run but enough rope so I can't hang myself. He knows how to reel me back in and get me to be remotely normal. He is better for me than my medications. He is my rock, my shelter and my absolute everything.

Do I feel like I am jeopardizing my relationship with my husband? No. It's innocent conversation that doesn't (usually) cross the border of good taste. Every once in awhile we joke with one another about the past, but that is where it stays. The past.

Some things should never be revisited.