It's amazing, going from one blog to the other. Perhaps that is why this one is black and the other is white. No racial connotation there, mind you. But you know, black is dark, almost ominous. White is supposed to be light and hopeful. So, if this is the case, why do I get more comfort from this blog than the other?
I am laying in bed, on what is probably my fourth crying jag of the morning. Whoever said depression hurts physically was on the money. It does. I feel like I have the flu, though I know I don't. I have back pain, neck pain and my head feels like it is underwater. My eyes hurt, that steamy hot feeling you get when you are sick...or have cried too much.
I have an appointment with my psychologist at 5pm. Another "emergency crisis" appointment. He really must be sick of me. I am certain he is counting the minutes until my new medication actually starts working. Then again, I am probably financing his vacation coming up in the next few weeks. $170 a visit adds up real fast. I no longer have insurance since losing my job. My cunt of an office manager made sure to rip that one right out from under me. Thankfully, we have some savings, so it won't complete destroy us. I'm too sick to think about that.
My husband screamed at me last night. He hasn't done that in years. It makes me feel a little lost. He apologized this morning, but it resonates. It stays with you. I feel like a bad child who disappointed her father. I want to stay under the blankets all day and hurt. Self-punishment is my goal today. I haven't wanted to inflict any pain upon myself, emotionally or physically in a long time. Today, I wish I was bleeding from every orifice.
Today is not a good day.
2 comments:
We have a rule in our house.
No matter how bad the situation is getting from the disease - yelling, screaming, shouting and swearing never ever ever makes it better for either one of us.
The first time my symptoms came out was during the PPD (Post partum depression which went into post partum psychosis) and my husband honestly thought he could "scream me out of it".
He has now been assured by every health professional since that time.. that not only is that not the best thing to do -- its the absolute worse thing to do..
It can drive a suicidally depressed person over the edge.. or it can drive somebody who is full blown manic, right into psychosis. (Again please don't post this.. just FYI -- From the newest bitch to email ya recently)
I am the same way when my husband yells at me. I know a lot of times it isn't worth it, but you should be eligable for COBRA. That probably doesn't help.
I am sure your doctor is fine with you. Like you said, he will have a really nice vacation.
I like the black and white contrast. Everyone has a dark side.
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