living with bipolar disorder is the worst thing i can imagine happening in my life. if i had cancer, i could explain it to my friends. i could take time off at my (no longer existant) job. i created this new blog as an emotional outlet for the times i realize that my medications are not helping me. this is one of those times. i am out of control right now. i am laughing and then crying. i am woeful and then filled with deranged anger. the lamictal wont be kicking in for at least another few weeks and i am dangerously close to checking myself into the hospital. i got in my car and drove all over the place tonight, trying to find some solace. there will be no comments allowed on this blog, because i am not interested in advice. i know what i need to do and when i have moments of clarity, i do them. right now, clarity is the furthest from my pathetic mind. this is the other cheek; the dark side of me i have fought for 40 years to get rid of. this is where the certifiable comes in in certifiable princess. i am so sick right now. my mind is reeling. i am thinking irrationally. i have never been so grateful to be unemployed, yet i can't help but think that my firing was the catalyst of this "episode". i feel so much hate and animosity toward everyone and everything. i told my husband i wanted a divorce. i dont mean it. i hope he knows that. one day, he will get tired of me saying things like that and leave. that is the saboteur in me. i destroy everything that i love. its what i do best.